For the first time in about five years, I feel truly alone.

I'm alone, but I can't do a damned thing about it, and I can't actually talk to anyone.

Yes, I mean that. I can't talk to anyone. I can't trust anyone right now.

Love meme!

Over here at my friend Beth's journal! That's my thread, but post yourself in and spread the love!

Still scared, still thinking that Certain Things aren't going to happen.

Oh, hell, why not.

PICK ONE OF MY CHARACTERS AND I WILL TELL YOU:
→ why I decided to play this character
→ my favorite scene or bit of interaction concerning this character to date
→ my favorite original aspect about this character (world-building for ocs or head-canon for fcs)
→ the last thing they did "off screen"
→ what their last words would be if they died tomorrow
→ what the next thing I'm doing for them is (narrative, post, shelving, whatever)

BONUS ROUND:
» I will tell you what character of yours I'd like to play mine against
» you may ask me a free question

Bad Mood Strikes Back. Mmmf. Trying to decompress from dealing with my mother.

I miss my Bryn Mawr girls. I miss my Hilary. I miss my minkhollow, I miss everyone else that I've lost and pushed away in the past few years.

I really don't know how much I can keep going with this. I know I've been saying that a lot lately, but.... I don't know. I'm hurting too much, I'm still sick, and I just don't want to do this anymore. All I seem to be capable of today is fucking up, crying, and coughing. Nothing I do is enough, nothing that I actually do gets acknowledged, and everything that I don't do gets blown out of proportion.

I just don't know what to do with this anymore. I know that everyone would be so much better off if I wasn't around. That's clear as day. I'm just praying for the strength to do something about this all.

Another suitcase in another hall, take your picture off another wall, where am I going to, where am I going to?

"Quinn is not your clubhouse."

No. You get no context.

Mmmmf. I haven't been actually sick like this for a while.

Got up earlier (about one-ish) after a night of temperature mis-control, and went to the bathroom, ending up flat on the floor with a headache and a bump on my head. I think what happened is that I passed out and hit my head on the tub on the way down. Granted, I don't know exactly what happened, I might've just gotten myself down there, and hit my head on the ground.

At the very least, it was cool down there. I was... slightly embarrassed and hoping that no one would walk in, because I was flat on my stomach on the ground, unable to get up for a while with my underwear down. Oops.

Mmmmf. My head's still spinning, and I just want to curl up with my girl and shake, but that's not really in the cards. Damned geography. I really want a hug, some love, and someone to tell me that it'll be alright.

This isn't helping it all.

List 10 of your favorite characters from different fandoms, and ask people to spot patterns in your choices, and if they're so inclined, to draw conclusions about you based on the patterns they've spotted.

I tried to actually have fandoms that people would recognize in this, and not pile it full of my obscurities. Also, these are fandoms where I have a clear favourite, rather than other stuff where I love just about everyone. (Ok, there are a couple more-obscure fandoms, but honestly, they're rather a part of me.)

1. Rent: Mark Cohen
2. NCIS: Abby Scuito
3. Good Omens: Aziraphale
4. Ender's Game: Valentine Wiggin
5. Agatha Christie Mysteries: Tuppence Beresford
6. Iron Man: Pepper Potts
7. Bare: Nadia McConnell
8. Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog: Billy/Dr. Horrible
9. Discworld: Ponder Stibbons
10. Star Wars: Qui-Gon Jinn

In other news, I'm trying to crawl out of the hole. It's slow going, but I'm getting there. I just hope I haven't lost anything in the process

... alright, so I fail in that I've played all of these people at one point in time or another.

At the end of my rope, looking for more, or something to hang on to. I'm out of tangible things right now.

Might be back.

Hey, everyone.... I need help.

I need My Enormous Penis. (Not the live version. If you have the one without dialogue that would be wonderful.)

Please? It's a preshow.

And now, ladies and germs, some memes!

From gehayi: Reply to this post by yelling "Words". I'll pick five words that I associate with you. Post to your journal about those words and get your friends to do the same.

( Words, words, words )

In other news, I'm actually writing again. It feels good in a way.

Last weekend was good, but in a bad way.

It was one of those times where I launched myself into fifteen million things (rehersal, show, car wars, hanging out, helping with a kids' field day) and ended up in masses and masses of pain.

I've been hiding in my room all day, trying to write and failing miserably. I've come up with a couple short things, but nothing even close to what I want.

My paperwork is slowly getting done, but I've literally started over six times.

Honestly, I just want to curl up in a corner, cry, and have someone tell me that it's alright.

I know that most of my friends have it worse right now, and I know I'm losing friends because I'm being utterly useless to anyone, but I just... I don't know if I even care right now. I can't be happy consistently anymore without it coming back to slap me in the face multiple times. I know that means that I need help and medicine, but the longer I'm living, the less hope I have that anything at all is going to actually work out.

I'm beginning to wonder if the worst thing that ever happened to me was Valley Forge. I had something I could do, but I'll never be able to get it again. No one's going to want an unstable tour guide. The bitter irony is that's probably one of the only things I can actually do. Then again, I wasn't perfect at the park. I still fucked up, I did nothing, I avoided other things, and I wasn't exactly the world's best employee.

Then again, what is the truth? It seems that about ninety-five percent of people see things differently about me. Am I that good at showing a different side to people, or am I really what people think I am?

Who knows. I'm tired of all of it, frankly. Maybe one day I'll get it, but this is not that day. Tomorrow doesn't look good either.

To get enough money to see my minkhollow. I'm actually a fairly simple human.

ETA: WTF fingers, 'horny' is not 'hopeful'. Then again.... *sheepishface*

So. Anne had to go into the shop to fix her keyboard. Mmmmmf.


I'm taking -ages- to try to do this post, even closing it out and trying again about five times. I have to get these stupid papers done for health insurance, but I... I can't. I just don't know if I have the energy to even try.

Yes, I know that I'll feel better in the end, but I'm just losing the will to do it.

I don't even care what people say anymore.

I'm just going to go curl up in a corner and pretend I don't exist.

Ok. So, honestly, I think I'm done.

Think what you want, but I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the paperwork, I'm tired of reaching out and getting absolutely nothing. I'm tired of hoping and having everything ever dashed in front of my face.

I'm tired of trying, I'm tired of being useless and unable to help people when they need it. I'm tired of the fight in my brain between getting a job and actually getting help for my problems.

I might as well just get a frelling job, join the masses of the useless and the failed, and stop even trying.

I'm a drama queen, I'm a horrible human being, I'm not the person you think I am. I'm manipulative, lazy, and only out for myself. *shrugs* It's true.

I might lose LJ friends over this. Honestly, I don't care. I'm at a place in my existance, that I don't care anymore. Say what you will, I'm done.

ETA: And one of those stupid LJ bots just im-ed me with 'have you ever been diagnosed with a mental illness?' fml.

So.

July 28th is a very special day. What, you might ask? It's my three-year anniversary with my minkhollow.

Awww, that's nice, you might say, but it's not. At that point, I won't have seen her for over nine months. We've been together less than ten days in the past year, and I'm hurting more than I can say because I haven't seen her. I don't talk about it, because I just don't think it's right to constantly whine about one's significant other problems. Why don't I ask my parents? My parents would stop talking to me if they even knew that I was engaged to a woman, and hers aren't able to help either.

However, that's where you come in. I hate asking for help, I hate whining, but this is important. She put it the best over here.

I'm not twisting arms. Hell, I hate asking for help with a passion. I'm doing alright where I am, I'm trying to manage my braincells, but this is... this is something over and above what I can do right now. Please at least click the link and think about it.

Honestly, if all you can do is post her link around, I'd love you forever. If there's anything I can do for you in return, I will. I love you all, and honestly, you've gotten me through times that I never thought I could endure. It means a lot to me and to us.

I know it's blog-like-it-isn't-you day, but I can't right now.

Right now, all that's in my mind is that I want to be someone. I want to be able to go out and actually talk about all the political things that're moving around in my mind. I want to be able to bring people together, to talk about the things that're wrong with this country, and try to see if we can come up with a way to fix it.

I want someone to notice my rantings, to help me figure out how to take what's in my head and present it to people, to get it out there for people to see and to perhaps change the world in some small way.

I don't have to be world-famous, I don't have to have a blog that everyone reads, I just want to have the brainspace and the ideas, and the ability and the readership to actually be a voice out there. I don't need to be A-list, but I'd at least like to be listened to by someone, somewhere, to make an impact that expands into something that could change things.

It might be pretentious, but it's the truth. I don't know if I care enough to change it now.

ETA: Don't just tell me it's up to me. I've tried that.

First of all so many thanks to the anonymouse who gave me LJ time. *snuggles* I have -so- much LJ karma to give back when I have money. (And yes, I do believe in LJ karma.)

In other news, I'm beginning to realize that I have some strange geek tastes. Before I get into this, I want to say that I'm not trying to offend people. Everyone's got the right to like whatever they do like for whatever reason that they like it. I'm not knocking it. I'm just saying that there are some things I don't like. Please don't think I'm knocking your fandom. I'm not I'm just trying to figure out my own brain, frankly.

( Quinn's strange geekiness )

I'm not knocking your fandoms. I'm really not! In fact, I can see why people like them. I'm just saying that my brain is a very strange place when it comes to fandom.

ETA: Going to bare! YAY. *dances*

Mmmf. Things are alright, I guess.

I'm not as panicky as I have been, but things aren't exactly shiny. I'm still here, I'm still going, and that's about all I can say.

LJ runs out in a few days. :( Bah. I thought I'd have a job or money by now. Clearly, I fail.

Also, if you want to give me a prompt of some sort, I can try to do it. I don't make promises, but I could probably use a reason to force my brain into submission.

Ok, so I'm pissed.

It has just been brought to my attention that the National Organization for Marriage (NOM *facepalm* Bad acronym, people) is saying in their ads that gay marriage is limiting their freedom of speech.

WHAT THE HELL.

What am I doing that's limiting someone else's ability to say or do what they want? I'm not saying that they can't get married. I just want to.

I am so close to writing a letter to them, asking exactly how I'm limiting their ability to speak, or believe whatever they want.

I've been accused of a constitutional crime. Come and get me. I'm innocent.

There was going to be a lovely political entry here, but that got panned in favour of... nothing.

I'm scared again, scared of everything. I can't talk to anyone about it, because I've been realizing lately how much I really do fail.

Listen, people. I'm not who you think I am. I'm not this poor innocent girl who all this shit's happened to. Some of it's been my fault. Hell, it's possible that most has been my fault.

I'm in a lot of pain, yes, but that doesn't mean that I'm doing the right things about it. I don't know why you all are still caring about me, I honestly don't. I'm hanging on because of only a couple little threads that honestly, I'm trying to break.

Why, people? What is it about me that makes you try so hard to keep me around? I can't keep things going. That's the problem. I can do just about anything for a while, but once I have it, I can't keep it. I lost Valley Forge because I couldn't keep my mouth shut and fit in. I lost Fort Wayne because I was a lazy ass and didn't do what I needed to and keep up relationships and life. I lost my parents because I couldn't be who they want me to be. There's nothing that I can keep, in fact, I don't even know if I -want- to keep anything anymore. What do I give to this world that ten thousand people couldn't give better? Why can't people see how much I take away from the world?

This is the problem with being depressed and being intelligent. I can see everything that I do and hate myself for it. I'm no better than the people that others are complaining about.

Say I'm a drama queen for this post, you might just be right. Say I'm just reaching out for help, you might also be right. Say that I don't know what I'm talking about, and there you're dead wrong. I know exactly what I'm doing and exactly what I'm talking about.

... somehow writing all that out made me feel a bit better. No less true, but still. I'm less.... bad about it all.